From all to nothing
A C E G I K P Q
All on one page
"Okay."
You pick up your t-shirt and pull it over your head. I can relax. A little. The image of you caressing your wonderful body is, I hope, etched forever on my retina. Without thinking about it, I put my fingers to my crotch, try to adjust my erection through the trousers. Realize what I'm doing, look up, meet your smiling eyes.
"I'll just..." I mutter, put the hand down the top of my trousers. Adjust my cock.
You hold your arms out. "Hug?"
With you almost naked. My hands on your back could so easily slip down, come up again unter the thin fabric of your t-shirt. Caress your buttocks... maybe follow the curve of your hips to the front... your breasts, your belly... I swallow. You must realize the temptation. Is is an invitation or a test?
I stand up. Walk to you. Put my arms around your back. And hold you, hard, close. My hard cock press against your belly, through the layers of fabric. You must notice. It's not a gun in my pocket, I'm just so glad to see you.
You smell of wine, cigarette smoke and musk. I feel your breasts against me, the muscles in your back under my fingers. You hold me. You are almost naked. You are beautiful. I lust for you, love you.
I shiver from surpressed yearnings. Try to resist the temptation. You are quiet. Warm, soft, close. Hold me while I fight the impulse to take more than you give. You are so close.
I sob. Shake. You hold me. Close. Pull me tighter. Support me.
I take a deep breath. Hold it. Release it in a sigh. Relax. Pull back slightly, so I can look into your eyes.
Your eyes are filled with... compassion?
You lift your face, reach out and kiss me lightly on the lips. Release your grip around my pack, pat me.
I let you go, take a step back and turn around. Breathe deeply. Pick up your knickers and hold them out behind me.
"Please." My voice is coarse, I have a lump in my throat. "To be on the safe side."
You take them from my hand, without saying anything, and I hear how you pull them on behind me. I look straight ahead. Take another deep breath, close my eyes. Exhale slowly. Open my eyes, pick up your trousers and turn around. Give them to you. Quiet.
"Are you okay?" You sound nervous.
I clear my throat, try to get rid of the lump that's become stuck there. "That was the hardest thing I've ever done. I wanted to..." I can only make a vague gesture with my hands, hoping you will understand.
You hold the trousers in front of you, as if to cover yourself. A bit late for that, isn't it?
"But you didn't." You stand quiet for a moment, as if searching the right words. "I was sure... no, I was almost sure I could trust you."
"Did you have to be so cruel finding out?"
"Cruel? Did I force you?" You smile, but the question is serious.
"No, you're right. I'm sorry. But..." I look away, trying to put my feeling into words. "I am grateful that you let me see you. You are beautiful. But to see you so... You did you damndest to excite me, and then you invited me to come and hug you... It would have been so easy to ignore that," I gesture at your t-shirt and look you in the eyes, "and just... I really wanted to ignore it... I want you! I want to kiss your breasts and lick you! I want to..."
I fall silent. You regard me with serious eyes.
"Why didn't you?"
"Would you let me? Would you want me to?"
"But I could trust you. I can trust you. That's worth a lot to me."
That's no answer. Maybe that's answer enough. I stay silent.
You look at me, then put on your trousers and pick up the wine bottle.
"Smoke?"
I nod and follow you out on the balcony again. Light a cigarette and hand it to you, light another for me. You pour wine in the glasses.
We smoke in silence, each on our own chair with a decent distance between us. I sip the wine and try to relax. My cock shrinks, reluctantly.
"If it's any consolation," you say, finally, "I'm impressed. I wasn't completely sure."
I snort. "And what would have happened if I had fallen for the temptation?"
You think for a long time before replying. "I'm not going to answer that question, because you didn't."
"So I'll never know if you would have let me taste you if I had tried?"
"Do you really want to know?"
I sigh. "Yes and no. What's done's done, and I'm a bit proud I was strong enough. But it was hard."
I stub out the cigarette. "I've seen you naked, and you're beautiful. That'll have to be enough, I guess."
I look you in the eyes and smile. "For now."
Later, much later, I lie awake on the couch waiting for the room to stop spinning around. My thoughts are spinning too, around you, your body, and your soul. They spin around two very different things - what is, and what could have been.
If I listen closely, I can hear your slow breaths from the bedroom, and in the end that's what lulls me into sleep
Copyright Örjan Westin 2001, 2005